You Give Me Joy That's Unspeakable...

Now, this is not the image you would expect to follow this title. In many Christian circles one would expect to be scolded or mocked when associating Joy with a material object but I say "blahh" to that. As you can see my boat is not one that a normal person would take pride in and so the shear ugliness of it protects me from becoming proud but without doubt it has been the focal point for much of my joy over the last 2 weeks.

This boat was bought completely without my blessing and against my better judgment. It has brought financial pain since I have spent almost as much keeping it floating (literally) and running as I did to purchase it. It has brought physical pain at the hands of my brother and brother-in-law who find their joy in turning the 75 foot rope that tethers me to the boat into a slingshot (by the way, I fully understand the principle of water being a solid surface at high speed). Yet, over the last two weeks it has brought such joy into our lives.

My brother and I have not had the greatest relationship over the last 10 years. We have been separated by distance both physically and spiritually. Over the last 10 years of our lives he and his family have not visited us once but in the last year they have been here twice. The most recent occasion was two weeks ago. We took them to the lake and spent the day on the beach and on the boat. It was such a great time of healing and joy. We had time to communicate. We enjoyed being boys again like we did as children. I had the chance to see that there was a seed of faith growing in him again and that maybe he was looking for nourishment in this visit. Oddly enough, I was nourished more than I expected. I praise God for this.

This past weekend we took our boat and went to the lake and beach again (now our favorite thing to do); this time with our dear friends the Drewetts. We have missed them since they moved to Austin. As we all were enjoying our day I could not help but wonder how many more times we would enjoy such great friends and how many wonderful memories we would make with them and so many others like them before we move to Rwanda. I was actually getting down about it and feeling depressed but then I started to think. This was opportunity to see the joy of the moment. Over the last few months I have been focusing on the future and not the present. I have been praying for peace and not only has God given me this but in the last few weeks he has given me great Joy.

I ask for prayers for joy in the moment. I have a habit of "planning joy" but that does not work with four kids. So I ask to see the joy that is in my own house with my own children.
I ask for prayer for my brother and his family and for his walk with God. He has known a close walk with God in the past and I pray he will long for it again.
Sounds silly but I pray that my boat will go all summer without failure (as it has every summer since buying it) and that it will continue to bring me and my family and my great friends joy.

Thank you

I wanted to thank each of you for praying for me and my family. We realize that we have great limitations in our abilities and personalities. Through you prayers and kind words we have found much peace in our decision and as always realize that God is God and he makes us what he wants us to be. Kristin and I have asked each other again this week, "is this the thing to do". The answer is always "yes". We are excited to be chosen for this great task and we constantly pray that we will have the strength to do this task. We know that we are not called to Rwanda to fail. We may have to measure our success by God's standards, which may be a whole new lesson for us, but we will not fail. God is great!!

We are in a valley now. We see behind us the great peaks of excitement that was the day we decided and the day we sat in our home with the Koonces and gave the rest of our lives to this work and ahead of us is the great day we will leave for Rwanda with our family. In the middle is anxiousness, frustration, waiting, stress, fund raising, and temptation to give up. I told Kristin that I hope the success and the value of what we do will be equal to the level of temptation and physical despair. It is obvious that Satan does not want this because he is trying hard to blind us from our goal.

Thank you for your prayers.

Prayer request

This is sort of an extension of the previous posting but more in the form of a prayer request.

Please be gentle in your judging of me and bold in your prayers for us.

I have been waking up at night anxious. I have called them "mini" panic attacks. I've never had a panic attack but the anxiousness that I feel is real. I have prayed about this and I have become to realize that my concerns are the concerns of a dieing flesh and hopefully a growing spirit.

I have been afraid that my talents are not suited for mission work. That I am fooling myself.
I have been afraid of taking my family all the way to Rwanda and not being able to do the job God wants me to do.
I had thoughts of not knowing or being able to discern what that job is.
I have been afraid that I will not be able to minister to others the way others on our team do.
I am afraid of being left to my own failures as a team member.
I am afraid that the the word team is a social description far more than a spiritual or working description and that I will be unable to contribute to the ministry needs of our group but rather be burden to our work.
I will find myself leading and teaching young men who need more than the faith and wisdom I can provide.

I am afraid that I cannot give to my family the things that we need spiritually, socially or emotionally.

I don't need a response to any of these just prayers. I don't believe God will allow any of these to happen but that the enemy is crafty and desires each of them to occur and to cause the failure of my work and would love for me to be convinced of my short comings. God has given me the gift of medicine and the gift of compassion and a love for His word and I know that he will make us secure in His loving and faithful arms.

I know that God has called us to another life and the pain I am feeling is the death of a future. We have know of God's desire to use us this way for over 10 years but in the last 2 years where we could see the end of our student loans coming, we let ourselves be convinced of a "brighter future". Using the monthly payments from our student loans to do "fun and exciting" things and having the quarterly bonuses all to ourselves (aside from the tithe) and enjoying the new RV, the boat, the ......

While in Dallas, Murphy said to us that he had to consciously let go of his future.

I thought we had done that but the pain resurges at the most unusual moments.

I am feeling the pain of fully dieing to self and being raised with Christ through our great and loving Father. Please pray for this continued transition. I realize it is a life long struggle but this part is really hard.

God love you all.
Brian

What is it all worth

Over the last few months we have found ourselves in a cycle of ups and downs. We find ourselves excited and anxious to get this preparation phase over with. We have stopped speaking out loud of the things we will miss and the things we are giving up. But we both think these thoughts and are reminded each time we see or hear the familiar sights and sounds of our daily lives. As I drive down the road to Lindale I pass by the RV super store and have severe chest pain thinking about the 2005 34 foot class A RV that sleeps eight I have to tell my dear friend I cannot buy. I take my kids to school every day and I see their teachers and I see Grace finally, after 5 years at Grace Community, interact and show affection for other girls in her class and then realize that she has to give that up. In church I sing out load despite the fact that I cannot sing;I realize that in 15 months I will be worshiping in a small church with very few singers and then a year after that I will find myself singing in a language I barely understand in a church planted by God through my feeble but hopefully faithful efforts. Each time I open the pantry and the lockers I built by hand I have heart ache of work done for what, to make my house (that I moved my family into) a better place to live.

I ask myself almost every day, What is this all worth? Moving to Rwanda that is. I lay awake at night wondering if changing my life to the point that I will now live on social security for the last days of my life (I hope) rather than my Trinity Clinic pension plan and my 403b and my Rabbi fund is worth it. Is it worth moving to a place where my children won't get to choose their friends but will have to seek friendship among the 15 other kids that coexist in their new world. Then the real pain comes from the thoughts of what my wife has and will give up. She has been 100% part of this decision and it is a decision we have made together but in my heart I ask myself, "What is it that God is asking of her, is it worth it to her".

I used to think of the story that Jesus told about the woman who gave her last coin when the Pharisee gave a large amount of money as a story just about giving all that you have a the time but as I read and study through the stewardship class, Matthew 28 ministries, I realize that she was not giving up her last coin and food for the day, she was giving her whole future to God. She was giving up all that she had with likely no way of getting more or knowing where more would come from. She didn't have a pension. When she put that coin in the jar she was saying to God. I give you my future. I give you my life because now I cannot sustain it. I trust in you God to sustain me and give me a new future.

I ask that of God today. I want to give up my future as I have crafted it. I am willing to give it up and I feel the pain of that. I feel the flesh dieing and it is painful. I don't ask for pain nor do I believe that suffering is going to make my sacrifice more worthy nor my work more successful but death must come to the flesh in order for their to be peace. I ask for this only. Rest in God's faithful arms.

Wise Men

After much effort, we sent out our first mission packet. Some of you have seen it and I hope you found it informative. It is a culmination of all that we want others to know about us and our work. After send them out I began to pray that God would guide them and let them arrive at their destination safely. I then began to pray for the hands that they would fall into and that those hands would be the hands of wise and faithful servants. I asked God to let these men and women read it fully and see that this is an important yet difficult work and that we are serious about our desire and we are willing to do His will. I prayed that God would give us a sign that this had happened and that we would know that others felt the significance of this ministry just as seriously as we do.

Surprisingly (we always say words like this when we forget that God is in control and that He does actually hear us) the Saturday after mailing them out, one of the wisest and Godliest men I know, my mentor and the senior medical director of the Trinity clinic stopped me while we were at a wedding and said to me, "Brian, I spent the whole morning reading your packet and just felt that this work is so bold and overwhelming but so wonderful."

I was in awe of God's power. I spoke to Him, he listened and He acted. I know that He does just this daily but to continually see God act in on behalf of such a worthless sinner as me is truly amazing and humbling.

I am so thankful that God answers prayers.

Waiting

This past weekend we mailed out our first actual fund raising packets. Some solicited, some not. We are certainly anxious to hear about both. We have been praying for the packets and the people who would receive them. We are confident that God will be continually faithful in providing for us, just as he had been in the past. He has blessed us greatly over the last 5 years and I certainly hope we have had the chance to bless others over the years. It is odd. Many times we have heard of people who had needs and have prayed and given freely but I cannot remember ever asking God to nudge anyone to give to me financially. Ironically though, despite the fact that we do so well, people who are not so blessed have sent us money in the past. Never could understand why. Point is, it is humbling and foreign to us to send out letters in order to raise enough money for a family of six to live on.

I would ask each of you to pray for us and the packets. Pray that they will fall into understanding and generous hands. We are burdened by so many needs for our new work that has not even begun yet. Actually I am the list maker and have many lists and a certain amount of stress attached to each one. I have begun to find peace as Kristin and friends remind me that God is the giver and he is faithful. Please pray that I will not forget to do the things that are important now and to focus on loving my wife, my children and taking care of my patients in a way that is deserving of their faith in me.

God bless,
Brian

Blessings

This week has been a mix of great anxiousness and great blessings. I am of course reminded of Philippians 4:6;

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

As faithful as I feel sometimes this is hard for me. I am a person who believes that I can make most anything happen and have been humbled by God many times as a result, some lessons have been quite painful. Anyway, this week have been telling friends and coworkers of our intent to move to Africa and have been met with mixed emotions. All are happy, few are surprised and some are heartbroken. Such was one today. We actually told a close friend last night and after the initial "I knew it would come" and an attempt at a strong outward "happiness" I was met this morning by pure emotional heartbrokeness. During the course of the day, many of my coworkers asked many questions about the work we want to do, were we were going to live and about support. We talked about all of these. During our talk about money the subject of how much money we needed came up and then "what will you spend that money on" was the inevitable next question. I told them about how we had to have new major appliances because we did not have 220 volt appliances here in the states and that Africa had 220 outlets. I also mentioned that my computers were very old and at this age, had small storage and were unreliable. We talked about other things like mattresses, couches, expenses for shipping containers, school for the kids and vehicles.

Well this evening our friend called and asked to bring dinner over and when she arrived gave me and Kristin each cards. In the card, besides tidings of love, were checks. In mine was enough money to buy a new Mac computer and in Kristin's was a check for enough money to buy all the major appliances we will need in Africa. I would like to say that I was stunned but I have to say that I have always been blessed by her love and generosity for our family and was not surprised by the great gifts. We praise God for her generosity and ask God to bless her spirit with peace.