It is hard to explain the emotions we are experiencing. It is so hard to believe that when we finally let ourselves see what God was planning for us that the joy and excitement would be surrounded by other strange and sometimes painful emotions.
We are at 9 months and counting down.
Work was painful last week and I was hit hard with some surprising emotions. I expected to have emotions of various sorts when telling my patients goodbye and I have experienced those in the few patients with whom I have shared this journey. But, as I sat in the Trinity Clinic board meeting and voted on who I wanted to replace me I began to feel quite anxious and almost depressed. I knew months ago that the day would come for me to resign from the board but I did not expect it to "hurt". That same day the executive medical director (my boss and my great spiritual mentor) came to me and said that the clinic was going to reorganize its administrative structure and that since I was leaving they had chosen someone to replace me and that my job was being reallocated. Again, I had already planned to resign that position at the first of the year but the reality of it was difficult. It is harder to have something taken from you that it is to give it up freely.
If that's not all, during our "trunk or treat" at church I ran into the Ries family (missionaries to Togo for last 10 years) who were there visiting mutual friends. I asked the boys if they were having a good time and Tracy Ries said "they're handling it pretty well for their first Halloween". For just a second I was frozen because in that same second I realized that this was likely my kids last Halloween and they didn't even know it.
After praying about these and many other sudden realizations I was reminded of Ephesians 2:10 "For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do."
I know there is much that we will miss and many more that our children will miss and we are guilty of holding on to things and forgetting that we have been chosen this work and we (Kristin and I) believe with all our hearts that God has chosen this work for us and our family and we will do as he asks and we will seek to serve him whole heartedly without regret.
Paul in his letter to the Philippians recounts all the great things he has to boast about. How great his education was, how great his "job" or position was and then says, "But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith."
Kristin and I feel blessed to have been called to Rwanda. He has and will give us the strength that we need. We accept this without regret. Please continue to pray for us.
Brian
