Prayer request

This is sort of an extension of the previous posting but more in the form of a prayer request.

Please be gentle in your judging of me and bold in your prayers for us.

I have been waking up at night anxious. I have called them "mini" panic attacks. I've never had a panic attack but the anxiousness that I feel is real. I have prayed about this and I have become to realize that my concerns are the concerns of a dieing flesh and hopefully a growing spirit.

I have been afraid that my talents are not suited for mission work. That I am fooling myself.
I have been afraid of taking my family all the way to Rwanda and not being able to do the job God wants me to do.
I had thoughts of not knowing or being able to discern what that job is.
I have been afraid that I will not be able to minister to others the way others on our team do.
I am afraid of being left to my own failures as a team member.
I am afraid that the the word team is a social description far more than a spiritual or working description and that I will be unable to contribute to the ministry needs of our group but rather be burden to our work.
I will find myself leading and teaching young men who need more than the faith and wisdom I can provide.

I am afraid that I cannot give to my family the things that we need spiritually, socially or emotionally.

I don't need a response to any of these just prayers. I don't believe God will allow any of these to happen but that the enemy is crafty and desires each of them to occur and to cause the failure of my work and would love for me to be convinced of my short comings. God has given me the gift of medicine and the gift of compassion and a love for His word and I know that he will make us secure in His loving and faithful arms.

I know that God has called us to another life and the pain I am feeling is the death of a future. We have know of God's desire to use us this way for over 10 years but in the last 2 years where we could see the end of our student loans coming, we let ourselves be convinced of a "brighter future". Using the monthly payments from our student loans to do "fun and exciting" things and having the quarterly bonuses all to ourselves (aside from the tithe) and enjoying the new RV, the boat, the ......

While in Dallas, Murphy said to us that he had to consciously let go of his future.

I thought we had done that but the pain resurges at the most unusual moments.

I am feeling the pain of fully dieing to self and being raised with Christ through our great and loving Father. Please pray for this continued transition. I realize it is a life long struggle but this part is really hard.

God love you all.
Brian

What is it all worth

Over the last few months we have found ourselves in a cycle of ups and downs. We find ourselves excited and anxious to get this preparation phase over with. We have stopped speaking out loud of the things we will miss and the things we are giving up. But we both think these thoughts and are reminded each time we see or hear the familiar sights and sounds of our daily lives. As I drive down the road to Lindale I pass by the RV super store and have severe chest pain thinking about the 2005 34 foot class A RV that sleeps eight I have to tell my dear friend I cannot buy. I take my kids to school every day and I see their teachers and I see Grace finally, after 5 years at Grace Community, interact and show affection for other girls in her class and then realize that she has to give that up. In church I sing out load despite the fact that I cannot sing;I realize that in 15 months I will be worshiping in a small church with very few singers and then a year after that I will find myself singing in a language I barely understand in a church planted by God through my feeble but hopefully faithful efforts. Each time I open the pantry and the lockers I built by hand I have heart ache of work done for what, to make my house (that I moved my family into) a better place to live.

I ask myself almost every day, What is this all worth? Moving to Rwanda that is. I lay awake at night wondering if changing my life to the point that I will now live on social security for the last days of my life (I hope) rather than my Trinity Clinic pension plan and my 403b and my Rabbi fund is worth it. Is it worth moving to a place where my children won't get to choose their friends but will have to seek friendship among the 15 other kids that coexist in their new world. Then the real pain comes from the thoughts of what my wife has and will give up. She has been 100% part of this decision and it is a decision we have made together but in my heart I ask myself, "What is it that God is asking of her, is it worth it to her".

I used to think of the story that Jesus told about the woman who gave her last coin when the Pharisee gave a large amount of money as a story just about giving all that you have a the time but as I read and study through the stewardship class, Matthew 28 ministries, I realize that she was not giving up her last coin and food for the day, she was giving her whole future to God. She was giving up all that she had with likely no way of getting more or knowing where more would come from. She didn't have a pension. When she put that coin in the jar she was saying to God. I give you my future. I give you my life because now I cannot sustain it. I trust in you God to sustain me and give me a new future.

I ask that of God today. I want to give up my future as I have crafted it. I am willing to give it up and I feel the pain of that. I feel the flesh dieing and it is painful. I don't ask for pain nor do I believe that suffering is going to make my sacrifice more worthy nor my work more successful but death must come to the flesh in order for their to be peace. I ask for this only. Rest in God's faithful arms.

Wise Men

After much effort, we sent out our first mission packet. Some of you have seen it and I hope you found it informative. It is a culmination of all that we want others to know about us and our work. After send them out I began to pray that God would guide them and let them arrive at their destination safely. I then began to pray for the hands that they would fall into and that those hands would be the hands of wise and faithful servants. I asked God to let these men and women read it fully and see that this is an important yet difficult work and that we are serious about our desire and we are willing to do His will. I prayed that God would give us a sign that this had happened and that we would know that others felt the significance of this ministry just as seriously as we do.

Surprisingly (we always say words like this when we forget that God is in control and that He does actually hear us) the Saturday after mailing them out, one of the wisest and Godliest men I know, my mentor and the senior medical director of the Trinity clinic stopped me while we were at a wedding and said to me, "Brian, I spent the whole morning reading your packet and just felt that this work is so bold and overwhelming but so wonderful."

I was in awe of God's power. I spoke to Him, he listened and He acted. I know that He does just this daily but to continually see God act in on behalf of such a worthless sinner as me is truly amazing and humbling.

I am so thankful that God answers prayers.

Waiting

This past weekend we mailed out our first actual fund raising packets. Some solicited, some not. We are certainly anxious to hear about both. We have been praying for the packets and the people who would receive them. We are confident that God will be continually faithful in providing for us, just as he had been in the past. He has blessed us greatly over the last 5 years and I certainly hope we have had the chance to bless others over the years. It is odd. Many times we have heard of people who had needs and have prayed and given freely but I cannot remember ever asking God to nudge anyone to give to me financially. Ironically though, despite the fact that we do so well, people who are not so blessed have sent us money in the past. Never could understand why. Point is, it is humbling and foreign to us to send out letters in order to raise enough money for a family of six to live on.

I would ask each of you to pray for us and the packets. Pray that they will fall into understanding and generous hands. We are burdened by so many needs for our new work that has not even begun yet. Actually I am the list maker and have many lists and a certain amount of stress attached to each one. I have begun to find peace as Kristin and friends remind me that God is the giver and he is faithful. Please pray that I will not forget to do the things that are important now and to focus on loving my wife, my children and taking care of my patients in a way that is deserving of their faith in me.

God bless,
Brian