Untouchables

I have to give some credit for these thoughts to Tad Tolleson. His class discussion a couple of weeks ago on Jesus and his interaction with Bartimaeus. This particular class made me more aware of the true nature of Jesus. As Kristin and I sat in class and listened we each (confiding in each other later) spent much of the time going over in our heads the names of the “untouchable” people we experience each week. People like Shadow, Cherilyn, Victor and Sheri, Carl, Harold and the guy that lives down the road from our house in the empty lot next to the loop. These are the exact people God continually uses to teach us about himself.

There are many instances in the bible where Jesus and later after much pain, the apostles stop to touch such people that society deems untouchable.

In the story of the blind beggar, Bartimaeus sat on the side of the road and when he heard that Jesus was near began to shout "Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!" Those around him began to ridicule him and rebuke him but he called out only louder. Jesus brought him near and asked what I would consider a “duh” question, What do you want me to do for you? “I want to see” was the reply. Jesus gave the man his sight and restored more than his vision but restored his value.

One of my favorite stories about an blatantly untouchable woman (probably Mary) occurred in the home of Simon the Pharisee. Jesus was asked to lunch one day by Simon and during the meal a “sinful woman” came in and started cleaning and kissing Jesus’ feet. Now, as Ortberg puts it in his book, the word sinner in this context makes no pretenses. She is a prostitute! The fact that she is in the home of a pharisee is almost makes the story unbelievable. So Simon uses this woman to point out that Jesus could not be a prophet or he would know that this woman was a sinner and certainly would not allow himself to be touched by her. I love Jesus’ reply: You did not give me any water for my feet, but she wet my feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair. You did not give me a kiss, but this woman, from the time I entered, has not stopped kissing my feet. You did not put oil on my head, but she has poured perfume on my feet. Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven—for she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little loves little." She dared to come to the teacher and actually make him unclean according to the Law. Yet as a reward for her boldness, she was given eternal life. Simon had no idea what he had lost.

Again, Jesus in the presence of important, rich and influential men brought value to a woman who is likely considered one of the most untouchable and unclean creatures on earth. I would guess that some pharisees would eat a vulture before being seen sitting at a table with this woman. The pharisees had saw themselves as valuable and irreproachable and were proud of their stature. They truly expected the Son of God to come down from heaven and give them praise and honor for their perfect attentiveness to the law. He would make them the rightful leaders of God’s kingdom on earth.

I am guilty of such thoughts. I have found myself denying love and comfort to those in need. I am like Peter, I needed more than one vision to convince me that it is okay to love and commune with “untouchables”. How could I be so foolish. Now that God has opened my eyes to these wonderful people in need, I can never go back.

Jesus came to give value. He came to touch. I ask the Lord Jesus to live in me and give me a spirit of compassion and the desire to touch those who are untouchable. I hope that everyone will find a way to notice and touch these people this year. Find a way to feed a man who missed his last meal, or two. Find a way to keep a man warm on a rainy winter night. Find a way to hug a woman who gives sex for a warm coat, then gives the coat away for food or drugs.

My guilt comes not from these challenges but the challenge of giving help and compassion to a patient who wakes me up in the middle of the night to ask me about a problem outside of my specialty or about something my nurse could have done in the morning. Or how to love a man whose life I have saved 6 times this past year and will do so at least this many more times this year, despite his lack of love for himself or me.

God give me a compassionate touch, a heart of Christ and words that give value to untouchables. Help me not to put boundaries on my love. Amen.

Impress them on your children

I have entered into a new phase. In my family, it is a right of passage to ride to school in daddy’s truck. I after 4 years, I know take three kids to school in the morning. I truly love it. One of the great things about this time is the singing. It would be truly appalling to anyone listening but I know to my ears and I hope to God’s ears it is a sweet melody.

My favorite music is contemporary Christian music. I have loved to listen to this genre since I broke away from Sting and the Doors in medical school. The Doors and I did some things that were not so “right” in those days and I have sworn off such things and unfortunately, also the Doors. This likely makes many of you cringe.

I have had a number of people mock me for the music I listen to and some were very close to me. I sat in a room with two people whom I truly respect and listened to them bash the music and those who listen to it. I know they were not aware of my thoughts and feelings about Christian music but it hurt really badly. I sat there and listened but did not respond. I asked myself, why do I listen to Christian music and why do I fill my house and my work with this melody. Then one day, when Samuel and I were riding in my truck he just blurted out, “Daddy, can we sing Oh no you never let go”. I thought, what, how does he know that”. If you don’t know the song it is by Matt Redman and the words are like this:

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear
And even when I’m caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won’t turn back
I know You are near

And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?

Chorus:
Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me

I decided then just why I listen to this music. It truly fills my heart and my family with the spirit of God. I realize that the theology of each song may not be accurate and some people may not “need” this music or may be “beyond” it but if you know anything about education or the process of learning, you know that music is a powerful mechanism for laying down memory and at this age, it can actually be associated with laying down personality.

Samuel is now riding to school with us in the truck and has taken up the job of saying each morning, “can we listen to the radio” or “can we sing”.

Well this week, on Sunday night while waiting in the van, my sweet Aaron blurted out of the blue, “Daddy, can we do dat never wet go”. My heart broke. Aaron was receiving just words on the radio but he also sees the excitement it brings between my other children and myself and the connection we have when we sing together at the top of our voices and he will soon realize that we don’t sing the songs just for entertainment but we believe the words we sing and we believe in their promises.

Deuteronomy 6:4-7 states Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one. ⁵ Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. ⁶ These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. ⁷ Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.

Now I know verse 7 relates specifically to the words in verse 4-5 but the words in 4-5, to me, mean make the Lord your God. Love him, serve him, and write this commitment on the hearts of your children so they will know who you are and who you stand for. I will commit the remainder of my life writing this on the hearts of my children and all those I encounter. I will never apologize for this and I will rejoice in the mocking I receive because of it.

God bless Aaron.

The Enemy and The Fiery Chariots

Over the last two weeks my house has been in a state of disarray and both Kristin and I have been brought to the limits of our human strength.

Two weeks ago, Samuel and Aaron came down with fever simultaneously and became progressively worse. Samuel had a fever for over a week. Neither of them slept, they tormented each other. Once they were asleep, one would cough and wake the other one up and then they would both begin to cry and cough and then the vomiting would begin. We did not sleep for a week. It tuned out they both had Mono. When it was nearly over Madelyn came down with a fever within 2 days. She followed the same pattern of fever that lasted a week. She too had Mono. One added little bonus was she began to have swelling of her joints and a rash located over her joints. I was confident that she had Juvenile Arthritis. Just what we needed. Of course it is the month of Christmas and the expectations of family and other aquaintances are mounting. Lets just say, the voice of God became muffled as the shrieking of the enemy became louder and louder. I can also say that many other attacks on our health, spirit and minds have been launched in an attempt to separate us from communion with God.

Kristin and I set the month of December to continually pray and set aside time to fast so that we could discern the will of God for our family.

Now, again I am no theologian, but it is my understanding that Satan is not omnipresent since he "roams to and fro throughout the earth" Job 1:7. He is not omniscient: The presumption here is that he is an angel and in 1Peter 1:11-12 says that angels do not know everything. In spite of all this evidence that Satan does not know what God has planned and supposedly every thought in our heads, he seems to have impeccable timing in his appearance in our lives. Just as Kristin and I have desired to focus our attention on God and his plan, the enemy attacks us harder than I have felt in many years. By the end of this second week of December, Kristin and I have begun to fail in our attempts to pray together about our future. We have separately found ourselves becoming more fearful of any sudden changes in our lives.

I have searched for God today. Psalms 9:10 says "Those who know your name trust in you, for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you", and Proverbs 8:17 says "I love those who love me, and those who seek me find me. I have called out the name of Jesus against the demon of sickness, anger, sarcasm, greed, selfishness and pride. He has delivered me from evil. He has bestowed his amazing grace upon me and as he promises to do. He cleanses me. We have submitted our selves to God and against this the enemy cannot stand. James 4:7-8 Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.

I pray and ask all who read this, to pray for his spirit of discernment and his spirit of peace and the fruit of self control in my household. Pray that legions of angels would be surrounding our house just as they were present when Elisha opened the eyes of his servant. When I lift up my eyes to God and say, just as Elisha's servant, "Oh no, what shall we do", I pray that I will receive the same vision as that in 2Kings 6.

"Oh no, my lord! What shall we do?" the servant asked.

¹⁶ "Don't be afraid," the prophet answered. "Those who are with us are more than those who are with them."

¹⁷ And Elisha prayed, "Open his eyes, LORD, so that he may see." Then the LORD opened the servant's eyes, and he looked and saw the hills full of horses and chariots of fire all around Elisha.

Yes, I do believe in fiery chariots.

God, I ask in the name of your holy son, Jesus, that you will bind and cast out of my home and heart the enemy that is Satan and his army of demons. I bind them in His name, the only name that saves. Praise be the name of the Lord. Make it so Lord.

Prayer of Thanks

I often find it hard to share the things of my heart with others. I was not raised this way. "Better to hold it in and just do your job". This was something I have heard in the past. My father did not teach me to share emotion and this certainly made for an interesting relationship with my wife after we were married. Our dating relationship was pretty good because I had not yet learned what Agape love meant. I was young and was still stuck in the world of selfish love. I had trouble expressing not only love but verbal encouragement. The point of this is to say that when my blog was private and no one new about it, I could write freely. When Kristin said she was going to share my blog address I was afraid because my blog stopped being a journal and became an open book.

After a couple of days of sharing with "the world" my thoughts and fears, I give praise to God for the people in my life because instead of ridicule and criticism I have had a wonderful outpouring of support and love. I know why God asks us to place our burdens on Him. It is so that he can make our hearts lighter. I have felt just that through the prayers and the subsequent emails of such great people over the last week. I have lifted you up in prayer to the Lord and asked Him to continue to bless each one of you. It is so comforting to know that when you tell people you love about something so great, they take you seriously. I can certainly say I have witnessed Agape love through your prayers.

I ask you to continue to remember Kristin in your prayers. As many know, last week both boys were sicker than we can ever remember. In the past we have had children in the hospital but I can say that I have never been more worried about them than last week. I even had our pediatrician come to our house at night, after he had seen them earlier that day. I told Kristin that my doctor radar was going off. Bad sign. I was asked by God to trust this man and I did. They have recovered quite well but it literally took a solid week of fever. Now, Madelyn is sick and has the same fever and cough. It has been over 2 weeks and we still have very sick kids in our house. Please pray for protection from illness for Grace and patience for Kristin. Praise the Lord for going to work every day, Ha, just kidding.

Lord, I pray for those who have lifted me and my family up to you. I have felt your presence this week and I know it is at the request of these great servants. I ask that you will give your Holy Spirit to each of them and use Him to continually weave each of them into your plan of salvation for all men.
Praise the Lord Jesus, Make it so Lord. Amen.

The Fleece

I've mentioned before that I am not preacher and have no training in theology and so I apologize for any inaccurate interpretation of scripture.

I was doing my bible study this morning and was reading over a study written for me by a patient. I had asked him about his thoughts on the Holy Spirit and in his wisdom he gave me a study he had written. I was reading a group of old testament scripture tied together by the subject of the purpose of the Holy Spirit in the old testament. I came to this scripture for the pure academic study of the Holy Spirit but found more about the work of the Holy Spirit in my life over the last 5 years.

When you mention the name Gideon in the church, many will say, as I have, yeah, the guy with the fleece. After reading the story of Gideon in Judges 6 and 7 I see that Gideon is the unfolding story of the Robinsons.

In our search for God's will over the last month, we have often been heard saying "We want God to show us a wet fleece". At times this made me feel unfaithful. I want to recap the story of Gideon to illustrate what I'm getting at.

The people of Israel were living in caves because the Midianites had oppressed them and continually raided their crops and herds. Obviously in order to provide for their people the Isaelites were doing their work in hiding, as God finds Gideon doing in opening of the story. "Gideon was threshing wheat in a winepress to keep it from the Midianites." The angel of the Lord said to him (paraphrased) "Get up warrior and deliver the people of the Lord from the enemy." The angel tells Gideon that the Lord will go ahead of him and strike down the multitudes of the enemy.

I have often thought that the fleece was Gideon's first request but in verse 17, 18 Gideon says "If now I have found favor in your eyes, give me a sign that it is really you talking to me. Please do not go away until I come back and bring my offering and set it before you." The angel of the Lord allows this and in the presence of Gideon, sets the thing on fire. On a rock. Rocks don't burn.

Now at this point, the people of Israel are assaulted by the Midianites, Amalekites and other eastern peoples and Gideon takes up his trumpet and calls all the people who will fight against the Midianites.

After seeing an angel of the Lord face to face, speaking directly to God and seeing the angel burn up the sacrifice right in front of his face he still asks the Lord for a sign, ie "THE FLEECE". Wow, is that me! I truly would have thought the Lord would smite him right out. He does not. He loves Israel so much that he is willing to show himself again and again so that this little man, of the "weakest tribe" is able to find the strength to do the impossible. He finds himself with a band of 300 men who then go behind the army of the Lord and slaughtered 135,000 men. I doubt if he ever asked for another fleece.

This is were I come in. Over the last 10 years, Kristin and I have had quiet prayers and requests for God to lead us where he wanted us to go. We have always felt that we were moving a direction that was both clear and foggy at the same time. Now that the time has come to heed his call we are asking for a wet fleece.

If I look back over the last years and ask God to show me how he has prepared me, she shows me a marriage to a woman who has a giant heart for God's work and his people. He shows me a move to a city to take a job that we were unsure of to start with but has turned into a blessing beyond our imagination. It allows us to pay off our debt in 5 year rather than 10-15 as is the length of most medical student loans. He shows me a change in heart that brings us to realize that our debt is a weight around our necks and around his spirit in our lives. He shows me again a wife who at my request, moves out of a house that was certainly not more than we could afford but one that after looking back was in His way. It's sale literally cut 5 years off our loans.

I can go on and on but the point is, he has shown me that he has a plan for us and despite our fears of inadequacy he goes ahead of us and makes the enemy afraid. He takes a man who is hiding in job, slowly and cautiously doing his work. He says to him, get up and go. I say, I'm afraid. I'm inadequate, come from a small clan with little to no heritage and I am not able to do any more than I am doing right here, right now. My comfort and strength is in my medical education. Is it not enough that I have loved these. He said NO. He sent me a word, a prophet of sort, who said, "I am no more than you but God has made of me what he wants." All the arguments and struggles in my heart fade away at his tender calling.

I have no answer left except, Here I am Lord, send me.

I pray Lord that you will give comfort and direction where it is needed. Remind us daily of your great works and our security in you. For Kristin and I, I pray for two hearts that walks as one.

Praise God.

AGAPE

I'm no theologian and certainly am no Greek scholar yet I live in a world that is clearly both self oriented and self destructive. I am not naive to believe this has only been the case in my lifetime yet, in my interaction with other in my job, both patients and colleagues, I believe I am seeing it more and more each passing year.

Eros or erotic themes are an important part of Greek literature from at least 600 B.C. till as late as 400 A.D. They appear in myths, lyric poetry, epic, tragedy, comedy, epigrams, philosophical debates, biography, and literary discussions. Often related specifically to male-male relationships in the oldest Greek literature but the point of the term was self indulgence or love for the sake of ones self. In our society today I believe it is this definition of love that most of society uses, even at the wedding alter. If you "Google" the Greek word Eros, you get over 4 million hits. If you actually "Google" the work erotic you get over 7 million hits (don't do this at work unless you want the IT police to come looking for you) but when you "Google" the word Agape you get 500,000 hits and 250,000 hits for "unconditional love". A large number but only an eighth or less than Eros, not to mention erotic.

The word Agape means so much more than unconditional love. In our society it is hard to define unconditional because so much is relative. It is servitude or sacrificial love.

The word agape was rarely used in literature, especially not as a central theme until after the coming of Christ. Duh!! In a profound moment, I realized that God sent his son into the world to redefine love, literally. He wanted us to stop loving for the sake of ourselves and start loving for the sake of others. The bible does not always state this so matter of fact in every verse but the theme of the new testament is agape love, grace, service by a man who for no other reason but love.

Mark 10:45 states, For even the Son of Man came not to be served, but to serve, and to give His life as a ransom for many.

This was profound to the Jewish community who had no idea that the intent of there messiah was to come and serve. He was simply to deliver them and put them in charge of everything.

In Mark 12:30, 31 Jesus restates two old testament commands that he labels central to all scripture. In this he is clearly turning around what the world has been practicing.

He restates what is written in Deuteronomy and Leviticus: 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength'. The second is this: 'Love your neighbor as yourself'.

Imagine, in this world today (including myself) if we could actually love others equal to ourselves. Wow, what a new world we would live in.

I am a wretched man. How have I let the cold stay cold, the hungry stay hungry and the poor stay poor.

I pray that the Lord God will not only forgive me but fill my heart with his Holy Spirit and make me clean and full of grace. I desire a grace that is exploding out of my heart and out of my mouth. Lord, please forgive me of being blind to the outcasts of the world. Open my eyes to the people who walk through the night to stay warm, those who eat what I throw away and those who have no family during this holiday season.

God bless Roscoe, Pam, Derick, Cheralyn, and Carl. We love them all so much. They have suffered much and will find much reward. May we all be so fortunate to have the reward that God has in store for them.

Please pray for Pam and Derick as they have made some difficult and probably poor decisions the last couple months and will have to overcome the consequences but I know through prayer, God will continue to hold them close and keep the enemy from the final victory.

Fasting: American Style

This is the month that Kristin and I have set apart for praying and fasting about the great issues God has put on our hearts. Praying, sure I always do that but I have never fasted for a "soul concern". In modern day "church" we are not accustomed to fasting.

So I set out last night to begin my 24 hours of fast. Now, in Ethiopia, going without food for 24 hours would just be a part of life. But here in America (remember, I'm a metabolism specialist) it is more like a major event. In the most extreme cases people are starving but in the world that I am a part of, dropping 1000 calories is considered fasting. In my daily life I not only have to cut out three meals in order to fast but have to give up at least half a dozen snack times. I probably gave up 2200 calories and that is on the bottom end of the spectrum.

As I awoke, I was aware that I had not eaten dinner the night before but was fine. By 9 am, I was hungry. By 11:00 I was tired and hungry. By 2pm I had missed dinner the night before, breakfast and lunch today. I was beginning to get a headache and cranky. By 3pm I was not sure if I could keep the frustration hidden that I was feeling about having to keep seeing patients. I arrived home about 430 pm, had a terrible headache and just could not keep my hands from shaking. Again, I was not in the best mood and Kristin was clearly in the same mood as I. She had clearly been suffering today.

Through the day, I slowly began to think, "Why does God call us to fast". It is hard to say why this is the case for everyone but for me, I began to realize that he desired to show me what he wanted to be in my life. He wants to be my nourishment and my provider. He wants to go with us to the wilderness, provide for us and bring us out stronger. And when we come out and consume his greatness (as we consume food at the end of a fast) it is so sweet, so filling.


As I reflect on the time Jesus spent fasting (Matthew 4) in the wilderness, I think, WOW, he fasted for a month. I was in pain after a single day. Then I think of the temptations he was hit with at the end. At the end of 40 days, I would have given my left arm, maybe my right arm for a loaf of bread and all I had to do was turn a stone into bread. Why at the end of all this did Jesus have the strength to withstand this temptation. He had been in the wilderness with the Father and God had provided. In my fast I ask God to provide for me and my family this month as we seek to fulfill his will.

When I look at the way Jesus fasted I am drawn to Isaiah where the Lord's people are obviously proud of their fasting and God scolds them for their obvious lack of commitment in the task. He then instructs them as to the kind of fasting he intended for them.

"Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen:
to loose the chains of injustice
and untie the cords of the yoke,
to set the oppressed free
and break every yoke?

⁷ Is it not to share your food with the hungry
and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter—
when you see the naked, to clothe them,
and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?

⁸ Then your light will break forth like the dawn,
and your healing will quickly appear;
then your righteousness will go before you,
and the glory of the LORD will be your rear guard.

⁹ Then you will call, and the LORD will answer;
you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I.
"If you do away with the yoke of oppression,
with the pointing finger and malicious talk,

¹⁰ and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry
and satisfy the needs of the oppressed,
then your light will rise in the darkness,
and your night will become like the noonday.

¹¹ The LORD will guide you always;
he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land
and will strengthen your frame.
You will be like a well-watered garden,
like a spring whose waters never fail.

¹² Your people will rebuild the ancient ruins
and will raise up the age-old foundations;
you will be called Repairer of Broken Walls,
Restorer of Streets with Dwellings.

¹³ "If you keep your feet from breaking the Sabbath
and from doing as you please on my holy day,
if you call the Sabbath a delight
and the LORD's holy day honorable,
and if you honor it by not going your own way
and not doing as you please or speaking idle words,

¹⁴ then you will find your joy in the LORD,
and I will cause you to ride in triumph on the heights of the land
and to feast on the inheritance of your father Jacob."
For the mouth of the LORD has spoken.

After reading this, I did not fast in a way God intended. I have been spoken to and will have to continue to seek God's instruction and work harder at using my suffering to lift up others.

We have sought the Lord today and he has found us. He desires this in from all of us:

Give so much of yourselves to others that you have to accept less in your own life.

In this, he will fulfill us and answer our prayers.

prayer requests:
Continue to pray for Cashes in Uganda and those affected by the Ebola virus
Continue to pray for the Koonces and their final push to move on from God's work in Togo and transition to Rwanda
Kristin and I are planning a trip to Uganda to visit the Cashes and to see Rwanda to prepare our hearts for support of the Koonces. I have fear of leaving work for so long and losing so much revenue that it is hard to give in to this need.
Pray for my family to continue to boldly seek God's instruction and direction for us and to not only hear the words he has for us but the intent. In the old testament God continually scolds the Israelites for their intense application of the law without actually seeing his real intended blessing for them.

I find it amazing how anxious God is to hear us and waiting to act on our behalf, sometimes even when our mouths are tightly shut and only our hearts cry out.

Today at work I saw a "regular patient" of mine who I have only seldom discussed issues of faith but today for some reason she happend to tell me the story of how she sold her house. Sounds like a basic hit the highlight conversation but in this situation she proceeded to give me a testimonial about how she has been struggling with having it on the market since the housing market has been so bad. She was feeling selfish to pray for herself and to be so bold as to ask God for the exact asking price. She has always found joy in praying for others but on this day she felt God told her that he had been faithful to her prayers for others but now he wanted to hear the prayers of her heart. She immediately gave up prayers for herself and found God anxious to answer.

There are many verses in the bible that speak to how we should pray and why we should pray but Hebrews 4:16 is one that has spoken to me today.

Let us then approach God's throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.

He truly does ache to hear our prayers and he is anxious to move on our behalf.

Take delight in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4.

I have been so afraid lately to seek him for myself that I have not given him the chance to be the God he promises to be.


O Lord forgive me for lacking the boldness to ask you, the creator of the sun, moon and stars for the desires of my heart.

A Whole New Life

What, are we crazy?

This is my first blog entry ever. Be patient.

I am a doctor and I practice endocrinology (don't ask). Actually this is the study and practice of glandular disease such as diabetes, thyroid, adrenal gland disease, pituitary disease and other metabolic disorders.

My family and I are committed to the service of God and continually seek his guidance in our lives. We continually seek God in our decisions and I have always felt weak in my faith but constantly seek God to fill me with strength and the will power to minister to others. My "pulpit" is my office and I continually seek opportunities to pray with and encourage my patients. I have to honestly say that I feel inadequate in my healing of the body but God has often helped me to minister to the spirit of people and this often leads me to the knowledge I need to diagnose and heal their bodies. I have a deep desire to give to others and feel God has given me my job in order to provide financially for others more than to heal. I hope that those who read this will understand how important I believe in ministering to the poor, weak and hungry and realize that I can never be comfortable in a world of wealth and indulgence.

I have recently read a study book on grace by John Ortberg. In this book, the author paints of picture of God's grace through the 23rd Psalm. In my study I was lead to Psalm 51, categorized as one of the penitential psalms or psalm of confession that follows David's own realization of his sin against his nation and his God.

¹ Have mercy on me, O God,
according to your unfailing love;
according to your great compassion
blot out my transgressions.

² Wash away all my iniquity
and cleanse me from my sin.

³ For I know my transgressions,
and my sin is always before me.

⁴ Against you, you only, have I sinned
and done what is evil in your sight;
so you are right in your verdict
and justified when you judge.

⁵ Surely I was sinful at birth,
sinful from the time my mother conceived me.

⁶ Yet you desired faithfulness even in the womb;
you taught me wisdom in that secret place.

⁷ Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;
wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.

⁸ Let me hear joy and gladness;
let the bones you have crushed rejoice.

⁹ Hide your face from my sins
and blot out all my iniquity.

¹⁰ Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

¹¹ Do not cast me from your presence
or take your Holy Spirit from me.

¹² Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

¹³ Then I will teach transgressors your ways, and sinners will turn back to you.

¹⁴ Deliver me from bloodguilt, O God,
you who are God my Savior,
and my tongue will sing of your righteousness.

¹⁵ Open my lips, Lord,
and my mouth will declare your praise.

¹⁶ You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it; you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.

¹⁷ My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart you, God, will not despise.

¹⁸ May it please you to prosper Zion,
to build up the walls of Jerusalem.

¹⁹ Then you will delight in the sacrifices of the righteous,
in burnt offerings offered whole;
then bulls will be offered on your altar.

I have always sang this psalm as a song around the fire at camp or in devotional or in chapel while in college. I regret that I never looked it up but rather just sang the words passively and never realized why I wanted God to "create in me a clean heart" and why the restoration of his joy in my heart was so important. He hates sin but he knows that I am a sinner and that will not change until the day he takes me home. Yet he loves me and renews a right spirit in me so that I may turn sinners to Him. I have always felt that I was not good enough to minister to others because of my sin and I have compensated by making the one gift I thought I had, money, into a sacrifice and lost sight of the mercy and grace he had in store for others.

From this I realize that the gift that I always thought was my greatest has become a point of pride and I had forgotten to give of my heart and offer up to God prayers for growth of other gifts within me. Although it is my responsibility to give financially to those in need, the Lord God does not need my money (my self proclaimed sacrifice) but rather the desires a broken spirit and contrite heart. Only then will he accept my gifts of food, rent, car payments, and so many other money oriented gifts to those around me.

My wife and I have been aching with a decision that we earnestly believe God is putting on our hearts. We have committed ourselves to fasting a praying for his voice in our lives over the next couple weeks. We desire prayers of our closest friends and family.

Pray requests:
Prayers for clarity and discernment of God's voice (more details to come later).
Prayer for the Cash family who are currently suffering pain and heartbreak in light of the recent Ebola outbreak in Uganda. It has touched their family so closely through the near destruction of one of God's ministries in Uganda.
Prayers for the Koonce family, another African missionary family planning to transition from Togo to Rwanda. They are on furlough and will be leaving soon to return to Togo.

God Bless my wonderful wife and family who has continually supported me in my desire to change all that we know. She is truly of God.