This is sort of an extension of the previous posting but more in the form of a prayer request.
Please be gentle in your judging of me and bold in your prayers for us.
I have been waking up at night anxious. I have called them "mini" panic attacks. I've never had a panic attack but the anxiousness that I feel is real. I have prayed about this and I have become to realize that my concerns are the concerns of a dieing flesh and hopefully a growing spirit.
I have been afraid that my talents are not suited for mission work. That I am fooling myself.
I have been afraid of taking my family all the way to Rwanda and not being able to do the job God wants me to do.
I had thoughts of not knowing or being able to discern what that job is.
I have been afraid that I will not be able to minister to others the way others on our team do.
I am afraid of being left to my own failures as a team member.
I am afraid that the the word team is a social description far more than a spiritual or working description and that I will be unable to contribute to the ministry needs of our group but rather be burden to our work.
I will find myself leading and teaching young men who need more than the faith and wisdom I can provide.
I am afraid that I cannot give to my family the things that we need spiritually, socially or emotionally.
I don't need a response to any of these just prayers. I don't believe God will allow any of these to happen but that the enemy is crafty and desires each of them to occur and to cause the failure of my work and would love for me to be convinced of my short comings. God has given me the gift of medicine and the gift of compassion and a love for His word and I know that he will make us secure in His loving and faithful arms.
I know that God has called us to another life and the pain I am feeling is the death of a future. We have know of God's desire to use us this way for over 10 years but in the last 2 years where we could see the end of our student loans coming, we let ourselves be convinced of a "brighter future". Using the monthly payments from our student loans to do "fun and exciting" things and having the quarterly bonuses all to ourselves (aside from the tithe) and enjoying the new RV, the boat, the ......
While in Dallas, Murphy said to us that he had to consciously let go of his future.
I thought we had done that but the pain resurges at the most unusual moments.
I am feeling the pain of fully dieing to self and being raised with Christ through our great and loving Father. Please pray for this continued transition. I realize it is a life long struggle but this part is really hard.
God love you all.
Brian
