What is it all worth

Over the last few months we have found ourselves in a cycle of ups and downs. We find ourselves excited and anxious to get this preparation phase over with. We have stopped speaking out loud of the things we will miss and the things we are giving up. But we both think these thoughts and are reminded each time we see or hear the familiar sights and sounds of our daily lives. As I drive down the road to Lindale I pass by the RV super store and have severe chest pain thinking about the 2005 34 foot class A RV that sleeps eight I have to tell my dear friend I cannot buy. I take my kids to school every day and I see their teachers and I see Grace finally, after 5 years at Grace Community, interact and show affection for other girls in her class and then realize that she has to give that up. In church I sing out load despite the fact that I cannot sing;I realize that in 15 months I will be worshiping in a small church with very few singers and then a year after that I will find myself singing in a language I barely understand in a church planted by God through my feeble but hopefully faithful efforts. Each time I open the pantry and the lockers I built by hand I have heart ache of work done for what, to make my house (that I moved my family into) a better place to live.

I ask myself almost every day, What is this all worth? Moving to Rwanda that is. I lay awake at night wondering if changing my life to the point that I will now live on social security for the last days of my life (I hope) rather than my Trinity Clinic pension plan and my 403b and my Rabbi fund is worth it. Is it worth moving to a place where my children won't get to choose their friends but will have to seek friendship among the 15 other kids that coexist in their new world. Then the real pain comes from the thoughts of what my wife has and will give up. She has been 100% part of this decision and it is a decision we have made together but in my heart I ask myself, "What is it that God is asking of her, is it worth it to her".

I used to think of the story that Jesus told about the woman who gave her last coin when the Pharisee gave a large amount of money as a story just about giving all that you have a the time but as I read and study through the stewardship class, Matthew 28 ministries, I realize that she was not giving up her last coin and food for the day, she was giving her whole future to God. She was giving up all that she had with likely no way of getting more or knowing where more would come from. She didn't have a pension. When she put that coin in the jar she was saying to God. I give you my future. I give you my life because now I cannot sustain it. I trust in you God to sustain me and give me a new future.

I ask that of God today. I want to give up my future as I have crafted it. I am willing to give it up and I feel the pain of that. I feel the flesh dieing and it is painful. I don't ask for pain nor do I believe that suffering is going to make my sacrifice more worthy nor my work more successful but death must come to the flesh in order for their to be peace. I ask for this only. Rest in God's faithful arms.

Wise Men

After much effort, we sent out our first mission packet. Some of you have seen it and I hope you found it informative. It is a culmination of all that we want others to know about us and our work. After send them out I began to pray that God would guide them and let them arrive at their destination safely. I then began to pray for the hands that they would fall into and that those hands would be the hands of wise and faithful servants. I asked God to let these men and women read it fully and see that this is an important yet difficult work and that we are serious about our desire and we are willing to do His will. I prayed that God would give us a sign that this had happened and that we would know that others felt the significance of this ministry just as seriously as we do.

Surprisingly (we always say words like this when we forget that God is in control and that He does actually hear us) the Saturday after mailing them out, one of the wisest and Godliest men I know, my mentor and the senior medical director of the Trinity clinic stopped me while we were at a wedding and said to me, "Brian, I spent the whole morning reading your packet and just felt that this work is so bold and overwhelming but so wonderful."

I was in awe of God's power. I spoke to Him, he listened and He acted. I know that He does just this daily but to continually see God act in on behalf of such a worthless sinner as me is truly amazing and humbling.

I am so thankful that God answers prayers.

Waiting

This past weekend we mailed out our first actual fund raising packets. Some solicited, some not. We are certainly anxious to hear about both. We have been praying for the packets and the people who would receive them. We are confident that God will be continually faithful in providing for us, just as he had been in the past. He has blessed us greatly over the last 5 years and I certainly hope we have had the chance to bless others over the years. It is odd. Many times we have heard of people who had needs and have prayed and given freely but I cannot remember ever asking God to nudge anyone to give to me financially. Ironically though, despite the fact that we do so well, people who are not so blessed have sent us money in the past. Never could understand why. Point is, it is humbling and foreign to us to send out letters in order to raise enough money for a family of six to live on.

I would ask each of you to pray for us and the packets. Pray that they will fall into understanding and generous hands. We are burdened by so many needs for our new work that has not even begun yet. Actually I am the list maker and have many lists and a certain amount of stress attached to each one. I have begun to find peace as Kristin and friends remind me that God is the giver and he is faithful. Please pray that I will not forget to do the things that are important now and to focus on loving my wife, my children and taking care of my patients in a way that is deserving of their faith in me.

God bless,
Brian

Blessings

This week has been a mix of great anxiousness and great blessings. I am of course reminded of Philippians 4:6;

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

As faithful as I feel sometimes this is hard for me. I am a person who believes that I can make most anything happen and have been humbled by God many times as a result, some lessons have been quite painful. Anyway, this week have been telling friends and coworkers of our intent to move to Africa and have been met with mixed emotions. All are happy, few are surprised and some are heartbroken. Such was one today. We actually told a close friend last night and after the initial "I knew it would come" and an attempt at a strong outward "happiness" I was met this morning by pure emotional heartbrokeness. During the course of the day, many of my coworkers asked many questions about the work we want to do, were we were going to live and about support. We talked about all of these. During our talk about money the subject of how much money we needed came up and then "what will you spend that money on" was the inevitable next question. I told them about how we had to have new major appliances because we did not have 220 volt appliances here in the states and that Africa had 220 outlets. I also mentioned that my computers were very old and at this age, had small storage and were unreliable. We talked about other things like mattresses, couches, expenses for shipping containers, school for the kids and vehicles.

Well this evening our friend called and asked to bring dinner over and when she arrived gave me and Kristin each cards. In the card, besides tidings of love, were checks. In mine was enough money to buy a new Mac computer and in Kristin's was a check for enough money to buy all the major appliances we will need in Africa. I would like to say that I was stunned but I have to say that I have always been blessed by her love and generosity for our family and was not surprised by the great gifts. We praise God for her generosity and ask God to bless her spirit with peace.

Back But Ready To Go

Well, we have arrived home safe and we now have or at least know the location of all our luggage. We have suffered greatly from jet lag. We are cranky. If you think and adult is difficult to deal with when tired and jet lagged, you should see an 8 year old. We did not get along well yesterday.

We at least made it home safe. Now that we are home we have been anxiously preparing our first mail out for our mission to Rwanda. We have been writing letters, making budgets and praying.

We have began making lists and planning for our move and the details that need to be taken care of to make our move safe and successful. I thought I was a list person but now I am in overload. It is almost fun but at the end of the day, fun is not quite the right word. We pray that God will give us endurance and help us be complete and diligent.

I have begun to inform our friends family and coworkers of our plans and I can say it is aging me. Every time I have to sit down with a coworker, administration or friends, I get chest pain. We have been met by so many different levels of reactions. We have been mostly overwhelmed by repeated encouragement and words of encouragement. It is blessed to hear so many people say, we knew this day would come or, I already knew this would happen. It is so great to see that we have been seen as the people we have tried to be. This is a testimony to the Lord and His presence in us. We pray that His amazing spirit will continue to abide in us. We continually seek prayers from each of you and ask that you will remind others of our need for prayer.

God bless.

Ready to Go

Well, it's time to go. The Neal's (Don and Jane) are arriving soon to pray with us for our trip. We have been so blessed by their encouragement, as we have all of you, and we are so happy that they asked to come to the house this morning to pray over us.

I can hardly believe this step has arrived. The Cashes seem to be in such need of distraction. We hope God will give them encouragement while we are there. We hope we can adequately express the love that Glenwood has sent with us.

We are asking God to show us the need he has for us in Rwanda. We have asked God to let this trip be a learning trip, not a deciding trip. We have made our decision but God will make this trip what he wants. We have asked God to put us in the hands of others who are ministering to the Rwandans and to show us how we can provide love and hope to the people of Ruhengeri. We will be driving to Ruhengeri on March 18 and will need your prayers. We will be praying for the city and the people who live there and ask God to make us a safe home there.

God bless you all and thank you for your prayers.

Almost ready

Well, we are on the final countdown. I have one more day of work this week. We have began our packing. Kristin is awesome. She has packed each kid for each leg of their trips. Samuel went to my mom's house this weekend. Madelyn and Aaron will go to Kristin's parents tomorrow. Madelyn will get picked up by my mom in OKC next week. Grace will spend 3 days at Avon Adam's house then join us in our trip to Africa. Kristin planned and packed for each leg of each person's trip in addition to packing us for Orlando on Thursday followed immediately by the flight to Africa. We have packed 8 trunks for Africa, too many. It will cost us. We have been putting stuff in the trunks like puzzles. I suppose it is good practice for our own mission.

In the end we are ready and tired. We will overcome.

At this point Grace is more excited to stay at Avon's home that the trip to Africa.

In regard to our mission. We have been praying for God to show his continual faithfulness and show us some areas that he is going to support our family. Over the weekend he has given us confirmation that two churches are going to give us financial support for Rwanda. We don't know the dollar amounts yet and are still praying for this part. We are still praying for good people and good churches to step up and commit assistance to fill the needs that are remaining after these commitments.

Please pray with us for these issues. Pray for our children while we are gone. Please pray for our trip. Pray for the Cashes.